Mom

I’m missing something, will you fill it?
Its here in my heart, can you see this hole here?

I have a hole somewhere in my heart
It’s a hole that can never be filled

In there you’ll find passages that lead you to my deepest secrets
My deepest secrets are napping, only this time its forever
They’re caved in and I’m stuck not sharing my tunnels, or a map of my tunnels for that matter
You see, I’ve never wandered deep into my tunnels because; well, because I’m scared
Terrified, afraid that something is lingering, waiting to haunt me

Maybe I know
No I do know, but I wish I didn’t

Here, I’ll fill you in
I lost a piece of this heart way back when…
Way back when she left me
She left me for God and I don’t know if she even said her farewells
But she was fare and well
The fairest of them all if you ask me
And she is the well in which I sink into every time I think of her

Yea, I wish her well often
Wondering how the coffin fits her
Or if it even was her preferred choice
I’m sure she didn’t even get to decide

She didn’t get to pick her visitors
She didn’t even get to pick her last breath
She didn’t get to pick her flowers

Now the flowers loom
They don’t bloom, they just loom
And when sunshine says, “hi”, they just hide
Just like me,
I hide

I hide away from the truth because I don’t want to accept it
Yes, I see her often
She’s my angel, on my right shoulder
And on my left shoulder I have another one
Another angel I can’t picture the face, so I hold on to the pixels so they don’t shrivel up and die

She never dies, not even in my memories
My mother lives somewhere that’s not my heart
Not because I don’t love her
But because my first word was Luna
The moon; the size of my eyes when they water

The moon has a face I’ve seen too many times
Sometimes I wonder if it’s her looking down
I’m sure she sends me stars to guide me in the right direction
But there’s this affection that’s affecting me
I can’t live life without mom, mother, mami

Not because I need her to sign my permission slips
But because I’m missing something here, here in my heart
I know it’s her past, and my history that’s missing
And I don’t mind asking Pops for answers
But there’s a difference between other fathers and mine
My father is a father, to other kids but myself

I’m just a son, someone’s son
A mother’s son, a father’s son
Who’s going to adopt me from this solemn space I call Home?
I go back to my now, to see how things became
I became a man through lessons learned
The blessings burn because bias brothers bother me
Sisters just steal serenity soon as someone scours my house
And that’s when I find father’s fingerprints falling furiously

One by one, each his own, but teach his grown they never do
So I never learn about Mother
I never learn about Maria
I never learn about “mama”
Because this heart is missing something
Something
Something…

Can you fill it?
Or do I have to go to mom’s grave and pray that she rises from the dead only to hold me one more time and tell me something like,

“Son. You are a grown man now. Yes, times are hard but look at me. I’m playing cards with Death and who knows what I’ll bet on next. Let’s just say that if I play these cards right, I might come back home on time to make dinner. I remember when you couldn’t even eat much. It seems like all that nourishment from foods never fulfilled you like the arms that carried you. I also remember your birth. And I remember the day you forgot your birthday. I was there…I’ve been there the whole time. Now babe, do me a favor. Live by your words. You have the world on your shoulders. They’re waiting for you to fall, but you can be my summer. Shine, shine like there’s no tomorrow…”